Diaphanous
by Gater101
Summary: I could never leave you like I left her...' It's so delicately hazy that he's not sure whether she's something he's conjured up.


Too often John Sheppard found himself out here on one of the five arms of the glorious city of Atlantis that stretched out into the endless waves of sea.

Tonight, he was leaning on the railing of one of the dimly lit balconies allowing the spray from the crashing waves to wash over his face, taking some of the last few day's worries away with it. A cool breeze toyed with the longer than normal tendrils of his hair, tickling his forehead. The gel had been worn away throughout the day by his hands weary wanderings and the usual spikes lay flat against his head.

Said head throbbed in complaint when he moved it slightly to look at the time. It was almost two in the morning. His body was pleading with him to lie down and rest; his dry eyes were protesting against the chill air itching them while his fingers demanded warmth from the biting jaws of the wind.

The planet they'd landed on wasn't unlike Lantea but he supposed that's why it had been chosen as the new base for Atlantis operations. The city was berthed in the midst of an ocean that stretched as far as the eye could see; in daylight hours there were two small suns – much to the dismay of Rodney – and by night four moons graced him with their diaphanous company. The sea had an unearthly milky pallor to it that almost revolted John at that moment. The light from the moons dimmed the natural beauty of the stars, almost obliterating the small twinkling eyes from the skies all together.

He wasn't sure he liked this planet, to be honest. But then, he wasn't even sure if those notions spawned from the idea that it was the end of an era, the loss of one of his closest friends, or because of some gut instinct.

He wouldn't wager on it being the latter.

Thoughts of Elizabeth cast a thick black shadow across his heart and mind. He refused to believe that she was dead even though a part of him knew she was never coming back. It saddened him and he felt something in his gut tighten.

It had been that feeling that had ordered Rodney return to Earth and tell Elizabeth's family that she was most likely never coming back. He was never any good at that stuff anyway. And besides, it gave Rodney an excuse to see his sister again and check in on Carson's family.

John felt another piercing slice open up his gut and he hunched over against the pain. The expedition had suffered two huge losses in such a short space of time that John wondered how they'd manage with the gaping holes left behind. He still hadn't really gotten over Carson's death and now he had to contend with Elizabeth's as well. It just didn't seem fair.

And yet somehow he knew that it wasn't over. Not by a long shot. He didn't pretend to harbour any psychic ability but he just had an overwhelming sense that someone else, one of the recurring characters from his life, wasn't going to be in it much longer.

He bent his body from his hips to an almost 90 degree angle and rested his head on hands that clasped the frozen rail. It seemed it was winter on this new home world. He closed his eyes and felt his body sway in exhaustion. It would take extremely little for him to slip into blissful darkness right there and then.

"John?"

His knees buckled under his weight and he allowed himself to fall to his knees. He mustered up enough energy to turn his body around and lean against the railing. His unfocussed eyes sought out her blurry petite frame and he smiled at her tiredly.

"Teyla."

His breath appeared before him in its misty glory and he glared at it. The walls behind Teyla swayed and bent and he could swear the city was rocking from side to side.

She was wearing a colourful long jacket over a thin nightdress and he frowned at that. In her hands was a welcomed blanket that she'd yet to offer. He frowned again. In fact, she'd yet to speak to him again since announcing her presence.

Was she a hallucination of his deliriously exhausted mind?

He blinked slowly and tried to focus his gritty gaze on her face. She was staring at him with deep-rooted concern shining in her perilous eyes. She looked almost as tired as he felt.

"Is that for me?" He wondered aloud and she started at the sound of his voice.

She looked down to the thick blanket in her hands and nodded as she made a move to hand it to him. She didn't say anything as she watched him tuck the blanket over his bent knees, guiding his hands to the warm juncture of his crotch. Her silence paired with her contemplative gaze was unnerving him and he found he was twitching and fidgeting.

It was ridiculous because it wasn't the first time she'd found him in much a similar state, nor would it be the last, he knew. But there was just something different in the way she was looking at him, almost as if she was afraid of him. And he didn't like it.

"How did you find me?"

He had never come out to this pier for this reason before, preferring to stay in the usual suspect places like his quarters, the gym, or one of the science outposts on the other piers. But never this one. He didn't know why, perhaps because there was nothing out here for him to do, or maybe because he hoped she wouldn't find him or… he didn't know.

"I had one of Rodney's team bring up the life signs scanner after I couldn't find you in any of your normal burrows." He glanced away at that. It was cowardly for him to want to run away but sometimes he felt claustrophobic in the city with people staring at him, looking to him for leadership, support… It was almost too much for him because he wasn't an emotional type of person. He was, with the exception of maybe Ronon, the worst person these people could ask for moral support. He was almost emotionally retarded. He nodded, though, at Teyla's words. She was certainly persistent, if nothing else. Silence fell again like a thick cloud between them and it was awkward for a while until she moved to sit beside him. He didn't turn to glance at her as she shuffled her way under the blanket. He couldn't. He didn't want to see her disgust at him, didn't think he'd be able to handle it. "Colonel Caldwell and his team are watching over the city."

He smiled at her veiled attempt to tell him that he needn't be awake any more. He had been for almost three days straight now and his body knew it. Dr. Keller had given him a sleeping pill to help him get a good nights rest but he'd yet to take it from his pocket where he'd put it long hours ago now.

"John?" It took him a moment to turn to her, his bleary eyes focussing on her equally troubled ones. His eyelids closed of their own accord and he tilted his head so that it leaned against hers. He felt her tense slightly before she settled down against him.

"I wouldn't leave you like I left her." He felt the tension arise within her again at his words but he didn't move.

"It was what she wanted. It was what had to be done for Atlantis," she replied evading the subject entirely. He didn't have the energy to play their little game anymore.

"Even if it was what you wanted, I couldn't leave you." He heard her sigh and he felt darkness seeping into the corners of his mind.

"She was… is your friend." His nod was miniscule but she must have felt it. "You should not feel guilty."

He gulped down the sudden lump in his throat and let out a deep sigh. His chest felt heavy against his lungs, almost like he couldn't breathe. His stomach had hollowed out again and he felt it rolling around itself, tying itself in knots.

"I can't help it."

"Sleep, John."

"I won't leave you," he whispered gently, the sound almost disappearing into the night.

"I know."

He felt the blanket tug closer to his chest and felt fingers crawl into his. He didn't bother to move his hands from his crotch. It was the warmest place on his body. He breathed out her name once more before sleep pulled him that last millimetre into its gentle, endless abyss.


End file.
